*** Warning may contain triggering/upsetting topics***
A long time ago I had a friend. No not a friend, a soul mate. Lets refer to him as L. You see I come from a "broken home", a childhood lost in pain and self hate. I was blamed by myself and my own family for destroying others happiness which led me to be a very troubled child. I would SI, take drugs, under age drink and bully. I not proud of the things I did but I can say if I hadn't I would never of been half as caring a person as the one I am today. Okay, I know that makes little sense but let me explain.
Being the horrible child/teenager I was my mother thought it would be best to send me somewhere for help. I didn't receive help from the professionals there instead I found my savior in the form of L. Of course the parental's didn't approve as I was 12 and well he was 16, not to mention he had a mental illness.
L helped me to stop being horrible to people I was in all honesty jealous of and taught me that because some where horrible to me this did not give me the right to be horrible back. I had never considered that inside these people where as broken as I was. He tenderly healed the hole in my heart that had grown from the lack of love from people. He taught me ways to deal with my problems instead of chasing highs, bottom of bottles and SI. He became a rock in my life and my life became one of joy.
Six happy years went by before the bonfire night came when I lost L to his own deamons. At that point in time my world came crashing down and I was on my own. I again lost my way until I found my best friend who loved me regardless of my highs and lows. A little light that reminded me of all L had stood for in my life, of every tear we had shed together in putting me back together and bringing out the caring side of my personality I was always to frightened to show in case I got hurt again.
Another six years I still remember this wonderful boy and everything he ever did for me. I remember how showing a little love to someone can mean the world, how it can save them from a horrible day, how everyone has the right to feel loved/cared for/wanted by someone even if just for a minute. Most importantly I remember the quote he gave me on the day he said goodbye.
“Somewhere someone is thinking of you. Someone is calling you an angel. This person is using celestial colors to paint your image. Someone is making you into a vision so beautiful that it can only live in the mind. Someone is thinking of the way your breath escapes your lips when you are touched. How your eyes close and your jaw tightens with concentration as you give pleasure a home. These thoughts are saving a life somewhere right now. In some airless apartment on a dark, urine stained, whore lined street, someone is calling out to you silently and you are answering without even being there. So crystalline. So pure. Such life saving power when you smile. You will never know how you have cauterized my wounds. So sad that we will never touch. How it hurts me to know that I will never be able to give you everything I have” - Henry Rollins
MC Lars - 23
